Gandhari. Kunti. Madri.

The many ways things could go wrong in a HaveKidsNow Chamionship, and the even more ways to make sons while the hay shines.

The last we heard, Satyavati had managed to conjure up two and a half princes to keep the Kuru lineage going: Dhritarashtra the Blind, Pandu the not-so-healthy, and Vidura the perfectly-fine-but-can’t-be-king-because-his-mum-was-not-royalty.

Bheeshma, their uncle, who had sworn to not have any kids of his own, took an active interest in turning them into proper princes. The princes went through the usual life stages like playing ball and whining, to smoking weed and training, all in the efforts to be the best kings they could be. And since it was against the law for a disabled person to be king, Pandu got the job and Dhritarashtra took it in his stride since it was not exactly a surpise.

Soon it was time for them to marry.

Is the Mahabharata all about people marrying and making kids? Nothing else has happened so far in this story!!

You’re right, having sons has taken up a lot of space so far. Maybe that’s a feature of just this remix and my story telling style? Maybe it is one of the themes central in the Mahabharata. We’re just setting up the characters, other things will happen soon, I promise!

Bheeshma, the eternal match maker, lined up for Dhritarashtra, the daughter of Subala, the king of Gandhara, who was somewhat predictably named Gandhari. The woman did not learn that Dhritarashtra was blind till after the wedding. In a show of solidarity, or to make a point, she blindfolded herself and stayed that way all her life.

Wott? Why? I mean I see how that would be making a point, but really?

Yeah. The blinder-than-thou attitude sure made some points. One could not see, and the other did not want to see, things for what they were, which may have had consequences for the story.

In the meanwhile, Shurasena, the king of the Yadavas held a swayamvara for his daughter Kunti, where she chose Pandu as a husband. Given Pandu’s dubitable health status, Bheeshma was hedging his bets. He decided to purchase a second wife for Pandu, just in case. He paid Shalya, the king of Madra, much clink and bling for his daughter Madri to be wife number 2 to Pandu.

Then it was a bit of a race between Dhritarashtra and Pandu to have a son first – older ones get dibs on the throne, remember? Pandu, Kunti and Madri were not having any luck, perhaps due to Pandu’s health situation. Gandhari on the other hand, did get pregnant, but for reasons unknown, stayed pregnant for nearly two years, with no sign of any baby coming out.

A matching complication struck the Pandu camp. Pandu was out hunting and he shot a deer and a doe while they were mating. As if that was not bad enough, the deer and doe turned out to be not animals at all, but the rishi Kindama and his wife who were pretending to be deer. No, I have no idea if they were animagi. The rishi was mad. He cursed Pandu, that if he were to ever try to make love to anyone, he would fall dead on the spot. It was all very distressing and a distinct set back in the HaveKidsNow championship.

Which is an opportune moment to introduce a plot twist with a flashback involving Kunti. When Kunti was still at her dad’s place, the rishi Durvasa had come to visit them. The ill-tempered man was hard to please, but Kunti apparently did a stellar job. He gave her a boon.

Wait wait. Wasn’t Durvasa the same guy who cursed Shakuntala because she did not play good host? That must’ve been centuries ago, timeline wise?

Yup, same guy. Maybe he lived long, maybe he time travelled. I’d warned you before, timelines can get complicated in the Mahabharata… just go with the flow.

Durvasa’s boon was a mantra he taught Kunti, through which she could summon any god at will, and that god would give her a child – which while being a radical and empowering gift, was also somehow a questionable one. Kunti, being a curious, evidence-seeking young woman tried out the mantra then and there, and summoned Surya, the Sun god. And true enough, Surya appeared, and soon left her holding a bonny bright son. Experiment successful, but with complicated consequences. What to do with a kid when she was not yet married? Not like being a single mom was an option. She put the child in a basket and let it go in a river. Kunti loved her first born son, but she was also very practical. It was going to be her secret alone! Like Satyavati’s secret child Vyasa came back into the plot, Kunti’s secret son will also return later in the story, so file him away in your brain. But for now, back to Pandu.

Pandu could not have children without dying in the process. Kunti knew she had son options with her mantra, if only Pandu would be open to the idea. She persuaded him, highlighting historical precedents. It wouldn’t be the first time, she said. Though your biological parents are Ambika and Vyasa, you, Pandu, are known as Vichitraveerya’s son. So, well, perhaps I can go mother a son with someone else, and they’s still be known as your children because I’m your wife, and which is all very helpful in the current circumstances?

Pandu thought for a while – though not very long I’d bet – and agreed quite whole heartedly considering some unique opportunities that would present themselves, if one approached this creatively. He said why don’t you call on Yama, the god of dharma. Any son of his would be a model king, dedicated to fairness and justice. Kunti obliged. She and Yama made a baby. They called him Yudhishtira who would go on to be a good, solid king. Maybe even too upright.

You never stop with one son, obviously. Call on Vayu, the god of the winds, demanded Pandu. Any son of Vayu would be mighty. So Kunti and Vayu made another baby. He would turn into a real strongman – Bheema.

Since three’s a charm, they were on a roll, and there was no point stopping, Kunti called on Indra, the king of all the gods and boss of the sky, lightening, thunder, storms and so on. Their son turned into the most skilled warrior of all time, Arjuna.

By now, Kunti was tired of sleeping with a stream of gods and making babies. Also, poor Madri had had too little action and was giving wallflower vibes. So Kunti hit share, gave Madri the mantra, and Madri ended up calling in the services of the Ashwini Kumaras, the pair of sibling gods who oversaw medicine, health and stuff. And from that threesome came a pair of twins called Nakula and Sahadeva.

Phew! Are they done yet?

That was that for son making on the Pandu side. But what’s up with the still-preganant Gandhari?

So she was pregnant all this time, while all these sons happened? Surely she lost the race there…?

Not all of them. From what I know, Yudhishtira and Bheema were older than Gandhari’s first born, which we are coming to in a moment. Gandhari had been pregnant for two years, which was understandbly confusing and frustrating. She wanted a resolution one way or the other so she hit her large belly forecefully. But instead of a baby, a lump of flesh dropped out, making her even more confused and frustrated. Vyasa, her kinda-sorta father in law and general solver of problems, surveyed the situation, told her to chill, and promised to think up something. He took the lump of flesh, and divided it into a hundred pieces and put them into a hundred different pots of ghee. These will grow into a hundred sons, he predicted. Oh good, finally! But can I have a daughter as well, Gandhari asked. Sure, here’s the hundred and first said Vyasa.

First time in this story someone actually wanted a daughter.

Soon, Gandhari and Dhritarashtra had a hundred sons and a daughter. The oldest of the sons was Duryodhana, who grows up to be the villain of our story. One of them any way.

This is wild. Babies growing in pots like plants. Like mandrakes?

I’d say this is all a metaphorical way of saying Pandu was impotent, and that Dhitarashtra had sons with many women and Gandhari didn’t want to see what was going on. But then, it was another age, and you can’t actually say it like that, because patriarchy. Plus, this description makes one helluva better story, so much more vivid and memorable and sets up the character arcs for each of the heroes!

This story has a somewhat apt ending, involving more sex. Though Pandu knew he couldn’t make out without risking his life, he had a moment there, when to live without love seemed worse than death. He cuddled with Madri one day and boom! the man was dead per the curse. Madri was upset. Or she felt guilty. Or they kind of pressured her to. But she did end up throwing herself on the funeral fire of Pandu and dying with him.

Kunti, the ever practical, just hung around to look after the boys.

And Dhritarashtra The Blind did get to be king after all.

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